Camping Out Side

With Summer Vacation season upon us I found this to be some good reading. These are actual comments left on Forest Service registration sheets and comment cards by backpackers completing wilderness camping trips:
 
“A small deer came into my camp and stole my bag of pickles. Is there a way I can get reimbursed? Please call.”
 
“Escalators would help on steep uphill sections.”
 
“Instead of a permit system or regulations, the Forest Service needs to reduce worldwide population growth to limit the number of visitors to wilderness.”
 
“Trails need to be wider so people can walk while holding hands.”
 
“Ban walking sticks in wilderness. Hikers that use walking sticks are more likely to chase animals.”
 
“All the mile markers are missing this year.”
 
“Found a smouldering cigarette left by a horse.”
 
“Trails need to be reconstructed. Please avoid building trails that go uphill.”
 
“Too many bugs and leeches and spiders and spider webs. Please spray the wilderness to rid the area of these pests.”
 
“Please pave the trails so they can be plowed of snow in the winter.”
 
“Chairlifts need to be in some places so that we can get to wonderful views without having to hike to them.”
 
“The coyotes made too much noise last night and kept me awake. Please eradicate these annoying animals.”
 
“Reflectors need to be placed on trees every 50 feet so people can hike at night with flashlights.”
 
“Need more signs to keep area pristine.”
 
“A McDonald’s would be nice at the trailhead.”
 
“The places where trails do not exist are not well marked.”
 
“Too many rocks in the mountains.”

Emotions and Wife

Never Be Too Emotional with your Wife 

Last night my wife and I were sitting in the living room, talking about life… In-between, we talked about the idea of living or dying.

 

I said to her:

 

‘Dear, never let me live in a vegetative state, totally dependent on machines and liquids from a bottle. If you see me in that state I want you to disconnect all the contraptions that are keeping me alive, I’d much rather die’.

 

Then my wife got up from the sofa with this real look of admiration towards me… and proceeded to disconnect the TV, the Cable, the Dish, the DVD, the Computer, the Cell Phone, the iPod, and the Xbox, and then went to the fridge and threw away all my beer!!

 

*….I ALMOST DIED!!!

No Sex Since 1955

A crusty old marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college.  There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic liberal ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

“Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?”

“No, ma’am. Just serious by nature.”

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, “It looks like you have seen a lot of action.”

“Yes, ma’am, a lot of action.”

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, “You know you should lighten up a little.  Relax and enjoy yourself.”

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.  Finally the young lady said, “You know, I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, but when was the last time you had sex?”

“1955, ma’am.”

“Well, there you are.  No wonder you’re so serious.  You really need to chill out and relax!  I mean, no sex since 1955!  Come with me.”

She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to “relax” him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his grizzled bare chest and said, “Wow, you sure didn’t forget much since 1955.”

The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch, I hope not; it’s only 2130 now.”